Is miscarriage always this way? Does it get more intense the further along you are? I’m assuming so but I’m not sure; nobody has ever described to me the details of their experience. I’ve watched so many birthing videos and read so many birth stories but it never occurred to me to do the same for miscarriage.

Can you believe that? My baby is the size of a strawberry.

At ten weeks she also has fully developed organs, working arm and leg joints and is even starting to kick in there. Oh, and her favorite color is purple. Kidding.

I know you’re supposed to wait till the end of the first trimester but I CANNOT stop telling everyone that I’m pregnant. Yes, that means that I might have to tell people the sad news at some point BUT WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH THAT? Can’t they handle it? Is losing a baby too private for other people to know? Is it shameful to miscarry? I’m not sure.

During this time, birth doulas are no longer allowed in hospitals in the most states in the US. In response to the couples who have reached out to me in panic, I have created a VIRTUAL support package, which allows you to have the benefit of a doula for a fraction of the price.

I can eat now is pickles and toast with Marmite. But nobody panic; mum just mailed an emergency supply of the latter, so I’m all set.

For those of you who aren’t British, Marmite is a sticky, black substance made from yeast. I think. Anyway, it tastes like salt, you put it on bread and it’s apparently the only thing this baby will tolerate. Apart from pickles.

So I went to this psychic a couple of years ago. Now, I know, nothing good ever starts with that sentence but bare with me. “You’re going to get pregnant as soon as your divorce comes through,” she said.

I was in my thirties before I discovered just how short the potential window is for getting knocked up.

You’re acting all cool right now but I know that a small army of you are silently yelling at the screen: “Dear God..what? I can’t get pregnant all month fucking long??”

And no, you cannot, so let me graciously enlighten you.

Being pregnant kind of takes over your life. Between the constant feeding (if I don’t eat every two hours I get sick) and the frequent naps, I’m now basically in the same developmental bracket as a four-month-old. Except I can wipe my own bum.

Marching back into the bathroom, stomach all a flutter but mind still firmly in denial, I peered at the tiny gray screen. It had only one word on it:

Pregnant.

“Do you want to sit down?” I asked. He didn’t. “Well I do,” I mumbled. “Because it says we’re pregnant.”

“Oh no!” he cried. Followed a little more feebly by “I mean, errrr…yay? But, really baby…oh no.”

He didn’t have to explain himself. I was right there with him.

Birth plans don’t work but other things do. Here I offer my top tips on how to prepare yourself for birthing at home or in the hospital.